Discussions

I have been single for the majority of my twenties. I’ve been the best man in 3 different weddings. I just got done with a graduate school program where I think they secretly advertised “Ring by Spring or your money back.” I lived in Dallas, TX, home of the largest single/divorced population. I am currently not married or in a serious romantic relationship.

The Word “Single”
Our current spoken and unspoken definition of the word “single” is one who is not in a romantic relationship. Often times, the word single could easily be exchanged for the word “alone” and the meaning wouldn’t change. When people say “single”, they could mean “alone” and so on. This is a sad and unfortunate reality because it implies that single people are alone or don’t have other important relationships. I don’t like the word “single” as a definition for a person’s status because nobody is really single or alone. Instead we should maybe start referring to people who are not in a romantic relationship as “celibate.” Celibate implies an intentional decision to have a certain lifestyle as opposed to “single” which implies the inability to be romantically involved with someone. I suppose celibate sounds lame and so a better word would be “free”. I am not single, I am free. Anyway, let’s not get caught up in definitions right? After all, they only shape how we see the world.

Life is different for the single person, not better or worse but simply different. The frustrations and joys are different as well. Here are some of the things that make it hard to be single.

1. People who are obsessed with getting married.
There are some people who can’t breathe without thinking about marriage. You know who I’m talking about. In reality, it is not marriage that they are obsessed with but rather romantic love. Marriage takes hard work on a narrow path in a steady direction while romantic love comes and goes. I think that the desire to get married is a good desire but that it shouldn’t dictate our every action. Eventually we have to have substance outside of another person, namely a spouse. Our lives must be geared and heading toward something greater than our own self-satisfaction or “happiness”. People who are obsessed with getting married ruin it for everyone else. I especially don’t like how they will use anyone or anything to accomplish their “godly” goal. Right? It is incredibly frustrating.

2. Formula’s for falling in love…..I thought it was a miracle?
In my days as a single person, I have had so many people try to give me their master plan on how I can go from being single to married. It is often simple one liners like “put yourself out there”, “when the right one comes around you’ll know it”, “in the Lord’s timing”, or my personal favorite “you have to be okay as a single person before God will bring a marriage partner” These are just a few examples. There are massive volumes of books written on this topic which have a much more elaborate scheme for finding your soul mate. The worst are the ones you find in Christian book stores because they somehow put God in the picture which makes them even more damaging. It is one thing to be single and it is another to have people insinuate that either God isn’t on your side or that you aren’t being godly enough. Right? There are some books that go as far as to outline what masculinity or femininity looks like with the aim of making a person more “date-able.” DISASTER. Do people really think God designed the world so that you can learn what principles you need to have in place in order to get someone to love you? What’s worse is that love isn’t LOVE when there’s an agenda/scheme behind acquiring it. So please, for your sake and mine, figure out a better way to look at the situation and quit spreading toxic ideas. Right Again? Such a twisted plot. Nobody is perfect…well I shouldn’t say nobody.

3. The music/movies and ads.
The worst though is the popular media in this country. Every song is about obsessive romantic relationships. I can’t make it to work without hearing 4 or 5 songs about how one person completes another or actually how one person is INCOMPLETE without another. “meet me half way”. 90210, Gossip Girl, the Bachelor, need I say more? Lady Gaga and her codependent, obsessed, don’t get me started.

4. The labels
One of my teachers use to say, “If Jesus or Paul were starting their ministry today…Christians would think they were either gay or unable to connect deeply with women.” What do you think? Is this true? Does the culture at large often view those in the ministry as unable to connect with women? What about single people in general? Are they viewed as having some sort of defect if they aren’t in a romantic relationship? How does God feel about that? Especially Jesus who himself is God and is single with respect to a romantic partner? Have we studied the implications of the Trinity and the perfect relationship that exists among the God head to the point where we can accurately assess all healthy relationships? Why don’t we stop being so narrow minded as to think that marriage is the only way to God’s will. Who dat?

5. Annoying couples
The couples that I like to be around are the ones who were fun/ambitious/alive as single people. The rest are enmeshed in each other and I won’t go on any further. Seriously, what’s up with all the PDA? Relax. Get your hands off each other AND nobody cares bro.

So now that I’ve ranted and raved about the frustrations of singleness, what do I have to say about how to live the single life well? Basically, there are only a few pieces of advice on my end and most of my advice is common knowledge. So perhaps this will just be a reminder to myself and whoever else reads this. The Ten Commandments of the Single life according to me.

1. What Next?
One of the things that helps is to have some sort of mission or goal. What turns you on, what moves you? Maybe it’s an art or a specific trade? I took a strengths finders test that really helped me hone in on my skills. Single people can focus a lot energy that married people can’t? We can’t sit around waiting for something that may or may not happen, rather we should go full force into the God-given ability we have and were built for.

2. Family/Friends
Good friends and family relationships have been important to me in my journey. Often times we neglect our family because we’ve grown up with them our whole lives but why not become best friends with your brother or sister? Heck why not even get to know your grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles better? Even if they make you feel dumb for being single, they are still family. Seek out those friends who are friends for life, best friends. People who love you deeply and know about all your hidden flaws. Have a hand full of best friends that you can look back at and remember special times with. Regardless of whether or not you ever get married at least you’ll know that you mattered to somebody and somebody mattered to you. Have a friend which will look at you and say “I love you regardless of whether or not you ever get married. You are valuable outside of any relationship you have with anyone else.”

3. Vice & Virtue
Handle your vices carefully. We all have vices, lets not pretend like we don’t and as a single person it is even harder to manage the vice if you are trying to do it alone. I believe many vices get eliminated once you are married but I could be wrong seeing as how I am not married. A vice may not leave but it will hopefully get out into the open more. Nonetheless, it is important for having a way of dealing with your vices. I think this is where best friends come in handy. Have those people who know your vices and help you work through them, whether it be through helping you set boundaries or discussing deeply the issues that weigh you down. As a married person you have a spouse who has committed their life to you and so in the back of your mind you know you got something going for you but not for the single person. Kinda. I mean we all have dignity and class regardless of whether or not we are married but our society is not easy on the single person. Single people are usually painted with the brush of loneliness or perversion. We’ve got to change that and I think it starts by having good friends and especially those friends who can help you work through vices.

4. Entertain Angels
Accept the kindness of strangers. Go couch surfing. Some of the people who have encouraged me with my singleness the most have been or were at one time strangers. Simply enjoying a meal with friends I hardly know has gone a long way. It makes a difference because it connects you in a social gathering where you don’t feel like the odd man out. So far this year I have spend the night in the following cities: San Francisco, Dallas, New Orleans, Billings, Boston and New York. I did not pay for a hotel once.

5. The right person myth
Is there just one right person? I really don’t know. Answering that question is like answering the question about whether or not God could build a rock that was so big he couldn’t lift it up himself? People go on and on about whether there is just one or many out there. Quite frankly, who cares? What if there is only one right person for you and you missed your window of opportunity to be with them? Does that mean you shouldn’t go on living or being open to another person? Of course not! Instead we should focus our attention off of this idea that there is just one right person. There is a level of freedom that comes from believing that there is one right person. The freeing thing is that you don’t have to worry about working for it and can trust that when it happens…… it happens. If you believe in fate then it is a good thing but it can easily work against you when you think you may have missed your big opportunity. I don’t believe there is one right person but maybe one day I’ll meet her and then I’ll believe it. We should then call that an instance of Retro-Active Truth.

6. Worst case scenario
Face the facts….get real…..you could be single for the rest of your life. I like to ask this question “What if you have to spend the rest of your life single?” Usually when I ask that question, people are absolutely mortified as if I just violated them or attacked the cornerstone of their being. Once you face this question, it opens up a world of opportunity. If I knew that I would never again be romantically involved with a woman then I would live and think about life differently. Wouldn’t I? I probably shouldn’t but I bet I would spend a lot less time listening to people jabber on and on about the rules of engagement. Everything’s fair in love and war right? Wrong!

7. Friends….How many of us have them?
It has helped me to get a fresh reminder that just because I am single doesn’t mean that I’ve done something wrong. Maybe I haven’t done anything wrong? Maybe I’ve acted in line with God’s will and right now this is where I’m at?

8. The evil x
Learn from your x’s. Either learn where you settled or were in the wrong. Let’s face it we’ve all been in the wrong and so we should just come to terms with that. We’ve also tried to make things work with people who didn’t see the beauty in us.  That’s okay, I’m sure they will see the beauty inside of someone else at some point right?  Some people just don’t want to put the effort it takes to keep a relationship going. Come on, we don’t need that do we? Seriously, if they’re not interested….walk on. Anytime I have recognized that a relationship won’t work I listen to the song “Time To Move On” by Tom Petty. In it he says “It’s time to move on, it’s time to get going, what lays ahead you have no way of knowing and underneath my feet baby, grass is growing, yeah it’s time to move, it’s time to get going.” In this song, Tom asks a very provocative question….”Which way to forgiveness?” That is a great question to ask in dealing with x’s.

9. Love religion?
Be careful of churches that are really just social networks using religious words to hook people up. Be apart of a church that is concerned with the things God is concerned about. God is interested in our personal relationships but He is also concerned with feeding the poor, clothing the needy, and caring for widows and orphans. It just frustrates me when I see religious events being advertised as religious events but in reality they are a cover-up for a dating network. Pretty soon church isn’t about church rather it is about hooking up. Lamo, don’t create theologies and use religious language to push the loneliness agenda further. Please, please, join e-harmony and stay out of the pulpit. Don’t pretty “myspace” up with religious language. Quit shopping me around for your daughter. If you are sad about being single then admit that and deal with it. Don’t drag anymore people into bad answers to life’s challenging questions. What is wrong with being single? Grow up. I’m probably just as guilty as the next person, as evidenced by this blog.

10. Listen to U2. They will help you through the night.
This is a great anthem for all single singe people.
I especially like the direction that is given at the 1:54 mark.

This entry was posted on Friday, February 26th, 2010 at 1:52 pm and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.